almost.. but not quite

the sem was supposed to end yesterday, but since our teachers just could not resist making our lives a bit shittier, they moved the test to tomorrow. im not worrying though. i mean, i dont care what grade i get. all i want is to get it over with...

and go to baguio!

yupyup! we're heading off to baguio after our RLE finals and RD for PA3! we're staying just til wednesday, which works perfectly for us since a lot of people will be heading there probably wednesday night to spend the holy week... a little bitin, but at least i get to breath fresh (meningo?) air for some days!

when i get back to manila, we're already moving to not-quite-new house.

overwhelmed...

the past three nights, i've had a total of around 7 hours of sleep. tuesday & wednesday night, i stayed up late (actually, til early morning..) since i had to type some reviewers for anatomy. i wasnt able to make reviewers for 2 chapters anymore... i guess i just have to read the book again.

i dont know.. so many things going on. nakikisabay pa sa finals week e! i know i said i was missing the stress that finals week (and the weeks prior to that) bring. i guess no one wanted me to be disappointed.

i could not sleep last night. i read the last 2 chapters of my anatomy book, and the reviewers of all the other chapters. at 5.30 am, my brain gave up and refused to absorb any more info. so i decided to go to bed. but i guess i had a tad too much caffeine yesterday. i was telling myself to stick to 1 cup... but for good measure, i decided to have a chai latte last night. and now, im trying to kick myself. hmm.. i guess i just need to go back and get another cup to fuel me through my test today!

i was thinking, since i could not sleep, i should try reading again. but i countered that with the thought that sleep might come any minute. that minute never came, though.. i just hope that anatomy finals is entirely multiple choice.... otherwise, id finish it real fast and submit a paper with just my name on it!

and before i forget, i have another test at 3pm before my anatomy finals! i havent read anything at all for that! good thing our prof gave us some of the questions (and the answers) so i just have to read through that... although she only gave half of the test. hmmm.. at least it's risk-free!

relate

do you get that freaky feeling when you hear a song or read a poem or article that hits you so hard? you sometimes feel that it was written just for you. sometimes, you even wonder if you wrote it yourself, then forgot all about it.

me, i get scared when this happens. well, actually, it depends on the song or poem or article. when it's a really happy one, of course i feel happy... i feel happy coz i know the feeling is real because i have other people to testify to that. but when it's a sad song, i feel really scared. it makes me realize that sh!t actually happens.

this happened to me when i heard the song even now some few months back. for those who know what i went through, you'd understand what i mean. imagine, years and years from now, u still have that same feeling... it's as if u fell into a deep hole and could not get back up no matter what you do.

the other night, i visited the peyups website and read an article, ang huling araw and i got that freaky feeling again...

Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung gaano kita minahal, ang isasagot ko, 10 beses na higit pa sa nararapat. Minahal kita hindi dahil pakiramdam ko lang tama, pero dahil ginusto ko yung naramdaman ko at walang kung ano pa man.
Minsan mo na akong tinanong kung pinagsisisihan kong nakilala kita. Sinabi ko hindi. Ngayon na nga siguro ang araw na kinatatakutan ko. Dahil kapag tinanong mo ulit sa akin yan, alam kong oo na ang isasagot ko. Sa lahat kasi ng nangyari sa buhay ko, ikaw lang ang gusto kong burahin. Wala ng iba.
Alam kong tama na tong ginagawa ko ngayon. Tama ng mawala ka sa buhay ko. Dahil alam kong wala ng pag-asa yang sinasabi mong pagkakaibigan natin. Tanga lang ako na minsan kong inisip na yun ang pinanghahawakan ko pero hindi pala. Dahil pinili mo pa rin akong saktan kahit alam mong dapat naging isa kang kaibigan.
Nung mga panahong ikaw at ikaw lang ang kailangan ko, hindi man lang kita mahanap. At kahit alam kong alam mo yon, pinili mong tiisin ako. Ngayon hindi na ko umaasang nandyan ka pa, dahil simula palang nang-iwan ka na.
Itinapon ko na rin ang lahat ng kasinungalingang sinabi mo na ang masakit ay pinaniwalaan ko. Nang sinabi mong importante ako sa yo at hindi mo kayang wala ako, kagaguhan lang yon. Siguro napilitan ka lang sabihin yon, o di kaya, sinadya mo para paasahin ako.Ngayon, lahat ng binitawan mong salita, wala ng halaga. Simple lang ang rason: dahil wala ka ring kwenta.
Wala na rin akong pakialam kung nagustuhan mo man ako o hindi. Ang importante, nagbigay ako ng buong buo at ni minsan ay hindi humingi ng kahit anong kapalit. Kahit papano, naturuan mo akong maging matatag. Natuto na rin akong tumigil sa paghahabol at pag-iyak sa taong manhid na tulad mo.
Siguro nga nasira mo na ang lahat sa akin. Ang paninindigan ko, tapang at paniniwala ko, pati ang katauhan ko, pero kaya kong ibangon ang sarili ko at mabuhay ng wala ka. Ako pa rin to. Oras at araw lang ang nagbago.
Ngayon na ang huling beses na sasabihin ko ito sa yo. Ngayon na ang huling pagkakataon na iisipin kita. Lahat ng bagay na dumaan, burado na. Pati buhay ko, bago na. Ngayon na ang huling oras na mamahalin kita. Ngayon na ang tamang oras para sa lahat, para malaman mo kung gaano mo ako sinaktan. Tapos na yon lahat ngayon. Ito na ang huling araw ng paghihirap...Tama na, tapos na. Pero sa huling araw na ito, isa lang ang sigurado ako.
Hindi ito ang huling araw na sinabi ko lahat to.

sad, no? sino can relate?

i miss college

earlier, me and some of my kgc friends went to UP for isaw. it's a friday, and i should be abstaining, but i couldn't help it (im so sorry!) coz i have not had isaw for so long. anyway, when i was there, i texted 2 of my friends (and old policy groupmates), telling them i was in UP, enjoying isaw. they replied, echoing my sentiments. we miss UP, but much deeper than that, we miss each other.

i really can't help but reminisce the times when we'd go there before heading off to obray's to do our paper. i miss my groupmates. whereas other groups started hating each other due to stress brought about by our project plus the clashing ideas they might have, our group genuinely enjoyed each other's company. we never had any problems with each other. we really worked hard, but then we were always laughing and teasing each other.

it's sad when you spend almost everyday of the last four years with these people, building memories with them, facing obstacles together... then one day, u just go your own way, and you often forget to ask how the others are. even with promises of going out regularly, it's simply impossible, because everyone is busy with his or her own business. we'd sometimes have dinner or watch movies together, but there are long stretches of not seeing each other. sometimes, i wish one of us would get married already so we would have a reason to see each other (and dress up!)

i love my new friends, and i am so glad i decided to study again. but old friends will always be special. i'm not saying i love them more than my new friends, but during the times when you just feel like looking back, you want to look back with people who were there with you during those times.

i just received an email about the alumni homecoming. they're finally tearing down colayco. i miss that place. so much memories and bonds were formed there. iv slept, crammed, cried, laughed, played, and did about almost everything else there. whenever i go visit ateneo, i try to make it a point to pass by, say hi to ate alma, visit the bench & regcom room. next time i go, there'll be no colayco hall to visit. it's sad, but im also glad coz i know the next building would be more beautiful & useful...

but i just miss college. all of it. yes, even the harrassing stuff.

i was telling some of my friends that i am not used to not having to cram and get stressed out this time of the year. everytime finals week are coming up, i expect to have bags under my eyes due to sleepless nights (sometimes, weeks). now, i don't feel stressed at all. well, there's anatomy to worry about, but i don't feel like studying for that yet.

what anatomy made me realize...

i have come to appreciate the work my heart has been doing for me for the past 22 years of my existence. assuming my average heart rate is 72 beats per minute, my heart has actually beaten at least 840,844,800 times since i was born!

imagine how tired it must be. that is why we should never burden our hearts with our love problems. it is working hard enough as it is! instead, we should be rewarding it...

hahahaha!

hunger strike & girl talks

since yesterday, i have been going on a hunger strike. but my version is different. i do eat, just not proper meals and not on time. yesterday, i had my first meal, a slice of pizza, at 4 pm. today, i only had ice monster for lunch and half a bowl of soup for dinner.

nope, im not dieting. i just feel like going on a hunger strike. for what reason? i'll never tell!
___________________

earlier, me and some of my kester girl friends decided that we did not want to perform our return demo on physical assessment, so we went out during our lunch break. then, instead of heading back to school at 1:30 as we were told, we went back to school around 4pm. (we still had to do the RD anyway...)

anyway, we had a pretty interesting discussion over our ice monsters. it was so fun, but very censored. so in the spirit of friendship, ill stick to our unsaid & unwritten pact: "what was revealed in ice monster tomas morato, stays in ice monster tomas morato"