deep into my shallow mind

Saturday, April 22, 2006

the sound of one heart breaking...

read on... wala lng.. naalala ko lng when i was in college tas we were conducting MEcO interviews.. one of our questions was: "what is the sound of one heart breaking?" hahaha!

THE SOUND OF ONE HEART BREAKING
by Karen Kunawicz

Ever come across the Zen koan that JD Salinger used in one of his books? You know, the one that asks what is the sound of one hand clapping. I don't know the answer to that one. But ask me what's the sound of one heart breaking and I might have an answer.

Welcome to the dark side of love.

What is the sound of one heart breaking?

It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, it's the sound of a telephone that doesn't ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it's the whispers of the toy animals she gave you.

It's the shuffling of the feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word "goodbye," it's the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it's the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it's the sound of a cherub's dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of Cupid's kitchen sink, it's the unrelenting, plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.

It's the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop, the sound of all the doors in the world shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there's no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of "I love you" burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love.

The sound of the waves at the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make up your pathetic "SOS-to-the-world," the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses she gave, the sound of the music she used to make going to your gut.

The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of sharpened kitchen knives on skin, the sound your throat makes as you swallow your saltiest tear. It's the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there, of winged creatures dying and falling on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into a vacuum of forgetfulness, it's the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

Destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.


wala lang... ahehehe... dati, feeling ko, i could so relate to this article. right now.. ewan ko.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

that certain feeling of restlessness...

i have around a year and a half to go before i graduate.. and i swear, im getting bored. i mean i enjoy nursing and all.. but i really would like to work na. sometimes i wish i just took up nursing instead of management economics. why didn't i shift to nursing before pa when i was already considering taking it up when i was in 2nd yr college? haaaaay, kse naman, what's with the ateneo diploma i so wanted to have?!
hehe, but no regrets.. i mean i did have lots of fun in the ateneo. that was such a priceless experience!
and i remember, when i was working an 8-5 job (actually, 7-4 but i would usually work til 6 or 7.. when i was not really required to stay overtime.. ) i so wanted to study again.
i guess i just want the best of both worlds. earning your own money and feeling more matured and independent while holding a job, at the same time, learning and being with friends (and having some reason to be a bit immature) while in school.
so i came up with a sort-of solution. since i didnt enroll this summer (imagine, since i got back oct2004 til march 2006, ive been studying.. no summer break since i enrolled last summer! exag!!!), ill go find myself a job.. which i hopefully could still do part time when june comes around and im enrolled again. i think i could do it since im enrolling 1 subject lng naman e.. ahehehe.. but that's ncm102.. hospital duty + med-surg lecture.
oh well, sana i do find a job that i can stay in.. but i dont like tooooo much.. im a bit scared kse na if i enjoy working na, ill decide to do that full time and stop nursing e.. ahehehe.. im a bit twisted.. ewan ko! oh well! this is what idleness does to you!
___________________________
1)Who did you last go out with?-- mamoi.. nagpaka-yaya nya!

(2) What do you want to receive on your birthday?-- love, friendship, peace of mind, bliss.. and cash! hahaha!

(3) Reach your hand out to the right. What do you touch?-- electric fan

(4) What time did you sleep last night?-- more like this morning! 5am na

(5) What's the wallpaper on your computer-- the good life.. same sa friendster wallpaper ko

(6) What are you going to do 5 hours later?-- sleeping soundly, i hope!

(7) Is there anyone/anything you're thinking of now?-- i miss my mamoi! and i hope i wake up early tomorrow to find myself a job!

(8) What was the last thing you touched before the computer?-- my celphone

(10) What can you hear besides the computer?-- the tv fm the living rm

(11) Why did you answer this?-- coz iv got nothng better to do

(12) Name 5 people you saw yesterday besides the people who live in your house?-- mamoi... and the talents.. dami nila e

(13) Do you agree to the saying "Forgive is to forget"?-- forgetting is hard.. basta dont hold grudges lng.. i mean, u can remember past faults and just laugh at them, ryt?

(14) When, where was the last time tears started to roll down your cheek?-- sunday nyt (actually, monday ng madaling araw na ata un), i was lying in bed...

(15) What/who makes you happy?-- my mamoi :) small stuff.. babaw lng ako e! bonding moments.. kulitan moments.. the beach! roller coasters! food!

(16) What makes you sad?-- when someone close to me is sad :(

(17) What are your favorite books?-- dami.. basta good reads!

(18) What would you like to have right at this moment which seems totally impossible ?-- ryt this moment?! nursing diploma.. 1 1/2 yrs pa un! hehehe :) a beach house :) sobrang steady life na walang ibang inaatupag kundi beach :)

(19) Who will you turn to if you have a huge problem that not all your friends know about?-- my God

(20) What's your favorite song at the moment?-- ryt now, i could not ask for more :)

(21) What was the last song that kept ringing-- kokomo.. beach!

(22) What was the best event that happened lastyear?-- my bday :) and the week after my bday :)
_____________________________
nux.. on love naman..

They say that loving someone is thegreatest and the hardest feeling of all time...in situations like these... what will you do? Fill this out

1.pano kung mahal mo pero di ka mahal?> e ano naman.. mahal ko sha e.. sinabi ko bang mahalin din nya ako!?! (bitter!)

2.mahal ka pero di mo mahal?> thanks po!

3.mahal nyo ang isa't isa pero hindi pwede?> may paraan!

4.pwede pero pinatatagal pa?> aus lng.. waiting makes it more beautiful!

5.pwede pero maraming ayaw?> walang pakelamanan! live & let live!

6.pwede pero nagpapakiramdaman pa?> asus, kahiyaan pa e.. go lng!

7.friends naman na pwedeng more than friends?> edi more than friends nlng!

8.kunwari pihikan pero hindi?> asus.. pakatotoo!

9.kayo pero pinagpalit ka sa iba?> goodbye & have a good life!

10.kayo na nga inaagaw pa ng iba?> asus.. no comment!

11.hanggang dreams mo na lang talaga siya?> kung tipong james lafferty.. tanggapn nlng!

12.or friends lang tlga dapat kahit mahal mo?> minsan tlga ganon.. aus lng!

13.madami pang iba... san ka ba dito?> edi inyo na!

14.nagsisinungaling sayo nanakikipagusap pa siya sa ex niya?> bat kelangan pa itago, deins naman ako jealous type!

15.nahuli mo na nakikipagbalikan siya sa ex niya habang kayo?> ay aba, no comment ako! kng ako ung ex, deins ko babalikan! (ahehe.. based on experience!?!) kung ako ung current, goodbye & have a good life uli!

16.nahuli mong may iba, tapos gs2 niya pagsabayin kayong dalawa?> ay, no comment

17.mahal ka niya pero hinde na siya masaya?> sus, may paraan!

ahehehe.. barubal love survey a! hahahaha!
_______________________
last na for tonight...

Q: Who's the 4th person on your received calls?
A: wala

Q: What's your main ringtone on your phone?
A: just the nokia tone.. whatever

Q: What were you doing at midnight last night?
A: txtn my mamoi & watching tv

Q: What does the last text message on your cellphone say?
A: "Thnx babe..Ü *hug* *mmmwwaah* iloveyou too babeÜ"

Q: Whose bed did you sleep last night?
A: mine, of course!

Q: What color shirt are you wearing right now?
A: weird, prang gray na parang brown na sando

Q: Most recent movie that you watched?
A: iceage2

Q: Name 3 things that you have on you at all times?
A: my heart, my brain, my skin

Q: What's the color of your bedsheet?
A: little mermaid color (dami colors e!)

Q: How much cash do you have on you right now?
A: not much

Q: What is your favorite part of the chicken?
A: breast

Q: What's your favorite town/city?
A: hhmm..

Q: I can't wait to (til)...?
A: next year, late next year

Q: When was the last time you saw your mom?
A: kanikanina lang, before ako pumasok ng room

Q: When was the last time you saw your dad?
A: last nyt

Q: When was the last time you talked to them?
A: ma, kanina.. pa nung sunday

Q: What did you have for dinner last night?
A: pizza!

Q: How long have you been at your current job?
A: been studying since nov2004!

Q: Look to your left, what's there?
A: pader! (ui, that rhymes!)

Q: Who is the last person you spent over P500 on?
A: myself

Q: Whats the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?
A: vicky

Q: What website(s) do you visit the most during the day?
A: gmail

Q: Do you have an air freshener in your car?
A: i dont drive one

Q: Do you have plants in your room?
A: ung dried roses that mamoi gave me 7 months ago...

Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?
A: my eyes are starting to get tired

Q: What city was your last taxi cab ride in?
A: QC

Q: Do you own a camera phone?
A: uh-huh

Q: What's your favorite Starbucks drink?
A: hot white chocolota mocha

Q: Recent time you were really upset?
A: sunday ng madaling araw ata

Q: Have you been in love with anyone?
A: im in love (with a stripper... :p)

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

boredom strikes again...

1. Initials:
- ecn

2. Name someone with the same birthday as you:
- my mother!

3. Last thing you ate:
- cheese bread

4. For or against same sex marriage:
- doesnt really matter...

5. Last person who texted you:
- mamoi!

6. Last person you hugged:
- mamoi ko :)

7. Do you believe in God:
- i sure do!

8. How many US states have you been to:
- 5 (6 if you count arizona.. border ng arizona & nevada.. u know, a la a walk to remember!)

9. How many of the U.S states have you lived in:
- 1

10. Ever lived outside of the US:
- uh yea

11. Name something you like physically about yourself:
- my smile/pout

12. Something non-physical you like about yourself:
- im... nice!

14. Why are you still up?:
- too early to be sleeping!

15. Who made you angry today:
- none! im so happy i dont think id get angry...

16. Favorite type of Food?:
- any.. id eat almost anything.. mamoi moves!

17. Favorite holiday:
- christmas.. the entire season!

18. Do you download music:
- uh huh!

19. What illegal things have you done:
- bought pirated cds, downloaded music.. im bad! so sue me! :p

20. Where would you want to go on a first date?:
- khet san.. basta gud company!

21. Would you date the person who posted this before you?:
- d kme talo...

22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?:
- sang.. yea.. ung nangaasar..

24. Do you like Bush:
- sophia bush! sooo puuurty! but dubya?! no way!

25. Have you ever bungee jumped:
- nope...

26. Have you ever white-water rafted:
- nope.. my life so lacks adventure!

27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?:
- hahaha!

29. Have you met a real redneck?:
- nope!

30. How is the weather right now:
- steady...

31. What song are you listening to right now?
- the world is our playground and we will always be home

32. What are your current fav songs?:
- hihihi!

33. What was the last movie you watched?:
- ice age2! wahehehe! u just gotta love sid!

34. Do you wear contacts:
- yep!

35. Where was the last place you went besides your house and school?:
- yesterday, shang

36. What are you afraid of?:
- regrets

37. How many piercings and tattoo's do you have?
- 4 piercings no tattoos

38. How many pets do u have:
- 5-- 2 brothers, a sister & 2 dogs!

39. Have you ever loved someone:
- yup! :x

40. What turns you on?:
- someone i could talk to and make me laugh... sweet!

41. What do you usually order from Starbucks:
- hot white chocolate mocha (pero sometimes, id go for hot chocolate or iced caramel macchiato para maiba)

42. Have you ever fired a gun:
- nope!

43. Are you missing someone:
- pearl.. i miss you sis!

44. Fave TV show?:
- OTH! james lafferty!

45. Do you have an iPod?:
- yup!

46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb?:
- oo, lech si ate allah e.. para mahal ko un.. khet kamuka nya si marvin agustin!

47. Whats your mom's name:
- rose marie

48. Who would you like to see right now:
- mamoi ko! pearl!

49.Favorite band of all time (ONLY ONE):
- wala.. band namen ni sheila & gix nlng...

51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?:
- wahehehe..

52. Favorite flower:
- tulips!

53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn:
- holy kettle corn!

54. What books are you reading:
- i gotta start reading these books that are piling up...

55. Have you ever ridden in a limo:
- yup! anna's wedding.. hihihi.. riding with the bride & her family since i slept over their place kesa naman magcheck in ako!

56. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?:
- nope! i mean, si tatay, but we havent seen each other for years..

57. Do you watch MTV:
- sometimes

58. What's something that really bugs you:
- curfew!

59. Whats your favorite hobby?:
- tunganga trip!

60. Do you like Michael Jackson?:
- aus lng...

62. Favorite basketball team:
- ateneo men's basketball! hehehe!

63. Favorite cereal:
- gawsh.. forgot what its called.. basta ung cinammon thingie.. hehehe!

64. Do you drive:
- used to!

65. What's the longest time you've gone without sleep?:
- almost 50 hrs ata un...

66. Last time you went bowling:
- october2005 w/ sawi! gotta do that again grls!

68. Who was your last phone call?:
- tin last sunday pa

69. Last time you were at work:
- uhm... 1 year & almost 6 months ago!

70. Whats your favorite state to be in:
- delaware coz u can shop tax free!

71. Whats your favorite color:
- red po!

Monday, April 03, 2006

*Mad Section*
1. what do you do when you're mad? cry, sleep...

2. what's the worst thing you've done when you were mad? think crazy thoughts...

3. ever made anyone cry when you were mad? yup, sorry!!!

4. ever physically hurt someone when you were mad? nope.. i dont get physical

5. do you curse when you're mad? somtyms...

*Crying Section*
1. last time you cried your heart out ? last last wkend...

2. ever cried yourself to sleep? hehehe.. yep!

3. ever cried on your friend's shoulder? yup..

4. do you cry when you get an injury? i dont think so...

5. do certain songs make you cry? dati un...

*Pain Section*.
1. what's the worst thing you've done to somebody else?? hindi ko alam.. gave up on that person, i guess

2. how depressed can you get? hindi naman sobra.. im a happy person e!

*Happy Section*
1. how much do u smile? most of the time...

2. what can make you happy?simple things.. everything-- when im in love.. wahehehe!

3. do you wish you were happier? im pretty happy ryt now...

4. what about being with your friends, does that make u happy? yup!

*Love Section*.
1. have you ever loved someone so much, that you'd die for them? yup! ganon magmahal!

2. did you ever love a person, and tell him/her that you love him/her? aba, shempre naman...

3.have you loved someone so much, it made you cry? hahaha.. yea... cry because i was frustrated.. cry because i was so happy..

4.has anyone besides your friends and family ever said 'i love you' to you? yup!

*Hate Section*
where's 1?..grrrrr...

2. have you ever hated any one that broke your heart? nope..

3. do you hate Bush? i dont really care abt him

*Self-Esteem Section*
1. is your self-esteem extremely low? nope!

2. do you believe in yourself? i do, most of the time!

3. what do you say when people say they think you are good looking/pretty?ui... hindi naman.. *pa shy effect* wahehehe!

4. are you one of those idiots that think they are ugly, dumb, and fat? nope.. im no idiot... :p

5. ever wanted to kill yourself cuz you thought you weren't good enough? nope! i love my life...

6. are you happy with who you are? yupyup!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

my best vacation so far...

a-z

A - Age you first believed in love?:::bata pa ako non.. i thought it was love.. now, im thinking if it was real.. wahehehe!

B - Band listening to right now?::: kung ano ano.. puro chill.. the gud life!

C - Course you are taking up???::: BS Nursing

D - Dream Car?!!::: khet ano.. basta maayos ang takbo.. d naman ako maselan e!

E - Easiest person to make u laugh?::: mamoi! laging laugh trip!

F - Food you miss most?::: ung baked chicken sa costco.. im suddenly craving for it! & ben & jerry's choco chip cookie dough..

G - Any encounters with ghosts?::: none, thank God!

H - Who is in your heart right now?::: marami! my friends.. my family.. ya know...

I- Interesting unknown fact about you?::: im very shy.. *blush*

J - just tell me who's the last person who broke your heart?::: myself

K - Kissing with eyes opened or closed?::: closed!

L - Last time you did fight?::: last weekend...

M - Most memorable moment you can think of in a minute?::: most recent.. the one the pops into my mind first.. my most GALERA TRIP

N - Nicknames?::: eu, yo, mamoi

O - Open Up! What's your most valued possession?::: my life

P - Place you are right now::: pc corner sa room

Q - Quote you heard for the last two minutes?::: wala naman

R - Remember the last time you cried?:: cry as in cry.. last weekend.. ung naluha, last thursday.. natouch ako sa sinabi ni mamoi e :)

S - Song you sang last?::: butterfly kisses :)

T - Time you woke up?::: past 11 ata

U - Use love in a sentence.::: im in love.. with a stripper! woohooooo t-pain!

V - Vegetable you hate most?::: okra

W - What are you most afraid of?::: regrets

X - X-rated love life?::: wholesome to!

Y - Year you were born?:::1982

Z - Zodiac sign?::: sagittarius